I have learned, throughout my life, that there are crossroads. There are times that we have to stand back and make a decision. These are the decisions that will shape not only tomorrow but the rest of your life. Crossroads. Do we go left or do we go right. Should we go forward and turn around. Decisions not easily made. Thus, the crossroad.
There have been many crossroads throughout my life. I suppose that is no secret since I started this blog. It was first started for my family and my friends in Canada. They could follow along to see my progress through the system in Alabama. They could stay updated on what was happening…the good and the bad. I never intended for the blog to become quite so public. I did, however. I am okay with that. I am more okay with that because I have had so many people over the years email me and tell me "thank you" for encouraging them through their own difficult battles.
The blog has also helped me, though. It has been a sounding board for me to talk about not only how I feel but what it is like to battle addictions, to battle nightmares from experiences in the past. Depression. I have been extremely candid at times. Hiding little about myself. Trying to be true to myself. Sure, I don’t post everything that happens. There are times when events have simply gotten away from me and I had to start back over.
The achievements over the last few years have been a struggle to achieve. They did not happen overnight. It is the fight that you overcome that makes the victories so much sweeter. They did not happen without the tremendous help of some of my friends and family. We fought a battle that almost killed me more than once against alcohol. It took me a long time to finally slay that dragon. At least it is somewhere injured and hurt. Will it ever return? I hope not. Can I promise that? No, of course not. To believe in my head that I have beat something that very few people ever truly concur would be foolish. What I need to do is to state that today I am on top of the problem. We are actually nearing 1000 days of being on top of the problem. That comes in September. I am proud of that. It has been difficult and it has been trying. But, I did it. I did this by believing in myself and by others believing in me.
There is a lot at stake tonight. Tomorrow and the coming days, as well. I have some very hard choices to make. Do I proceed with this expensive house. Do I sit down and try to make the house a bit more simplistic. How do I want to invest this money. What are my long time goals. What are my goals period. Where does this house fit into all of my goals.
I want to live on the farm. I want to live on that hill and watch the weather! I want to be happy and comfortable up there. But, I also know that I am gone about six months out of the year. I am here for spring tornado season and fall season weather season. I will be away during the winter months and I would like to start doing some other chasing – hurricanes and others.
That is a problem. If you are not home for half the year then what kind of house do you need? What kind of house do I want. What would be fair to me and those around me. What can we live with. Some people have nothing…I had nothing at one time. So I know how important it is for me to make the right decision in what comes next.
I have a HUGE responsibility to handle this properly. I have my family to think about. My nephew and nieces to think about. I have Joseph to think about. I have a lot of people that are counting on me to do the right thing.
I have ambitions outside of meteorology. Once I finish school then I would like to get more into photography. I also have to think about down the road. Where will I be in 5 or 10 years. Will I be here? I believe I will always have a place here. That isn’t the same thing as being here though. The potential for me living in two places is quite high.
There are a lot of people watching me. I feel like I need to block all of that out. I need to do what is right for me. Make the right decision in order for tomorrow to be the way I want it to me.
I am steering this ship. I am in charge of handling all of this, properly. I am that captain. I have but once chance to do this right. I have one chance to mess this up. I have been given the task of making all this turn out right. It is a big responsibility for me to carry on my shoulders. It is all I think about…day and night. That probably means it is something that I need to figure out…and soon.
I am nervous but yet calm. I am trying to express these feelings to David and Tony. Joey as well. I am not sure they totally understand where I am at. I am worried that they are concerned my indecisiveness is going to cause some problems.
The way I see this, the problems are going to come because I don’t make a hard decision. The lack of decisions is going to cause me more grief and will not fulfill the goals I have set before me. So i know what the right decisions are and have for some time now. Implementing and sharing those decisions is not quite as easy.
So, now what to do.