March 30, 2008: The staircase…

Blah.  Blah is a good word to describe something.  It is a negative word.  It means – lousy, crappy, blues, not well.  It sums up the last week – maybe the last two weeks.  Once again the spiral staircase has found its way under my legs.  This time the elevator was too easy.  So my mind decided to take the stairs.  A much slower, progressive walk towards the insanity of the deep well that it so cheerfully chose to mark as its final destination.  Oh, there were stops along the way.  Happy moments spent with friends.  There was laughter at a few movies and television shows.  I always enjoy a good "talk soup" to perk me up.  But alas there were those stairs.  Downward, downward, and downward.  Tonight, as I write this, I have halfway convinced myself that curling up in a ball, in some corner of the apartment, might provide some therapeutic help.  Course all of the corners of the apartment are filled with boxes, computer equipment, or teddy bears. 

I don’t understand depression.  I don’t pretend to understand it.  I try to understand it.  I read about it online.  I read blogs that other people are writing, concerning their experiences.  I read information on Zoloft – which is what I have used for two years now – to see how it effects other people with depression.  I understood a long time ago that depression doesn’t just go away.  It can’t be "cured".  One can’t "make themselves" happy by doing "activities".  It is something you just have to live with.  I should say, that I have had great success with controlling the depressing using Zoloft.  Until the last few months I would have sworn by it.  Now, lately – I am not sure what has happened.  It seems to no longer be effective.  The waves of darkness, that sweep over me, seem to be coming more frequently – if not constant.  I have tried to control it – mentally.  I have tried to ignore the "feelings".  I have tried to convince myself that tomorrow will be a brighter day.  It is now going on weeks instead of days.  So I am beginning to question what is actually happening..

I live in a beautiful world.  I am surrounded by beautiful family, amazing friends, and a huge support base.  This just goes to show you, that no matter how amazing life is, depression isn’t something that is controlled by your surroundings.  It is a part of your mind.  A part of you.  I have everything in the world that I could possibly ever want, ever need, or ever dream of.  Those things, unfortunately, don’t make depression go away. 

I finally told a friend a few days ago what was happening.  I didn’t want anyone to know.  I guess I am concerned that they might think I will relapse or do something stupid.  Not that they shouldn’t feel that way after some of my experiences since I was 12 years old.  But still, I don’t like telling them.  It is hard to talk about.  I want to be fixed not broken.  That is how I look at it.  This is a silly way of thinking though.  Cars are broken, people are not.  We all have our "issues" that we have to deal with. 

Thankfully, I have resisted all temptation to cover up my feelings by using alcohol or other "escapes".  In the past that has been an issue, as many of you know.  So, at least for the moment, (it is always a daily battle) I am on top of the situation.  With that said, what concerns me is the slide downward.  At first I thought it would last a few days, then after a week I thought it might finally come to an end, now it seems like the slide is not only continuing but steepening.  There are days that I don’t feel like getting out of bed, don’t feel like doing my homework, don’t care about anything.  I fight it.  But fighting depression doesn’t just magically make it go away.

I am going to see my counselor on Friday.  Perhaps she will have some additional thoughts.  I have concerns about the original "simple" diagnosis of depression (on the other hand I don’t like labels).  Mainly because I don’t believe I have been totally honest with her on everything that has happened.  At first I felt bad about that, keeping some information bottled up insdie of myself, but then my friend Doug explained to me that it is a normal reaction.  Not talking.  You don’t want to tell a stranger everything.  You want to maintain some control.  You want to keep some of your dignity. 

I write these thoughts mainly because I have been going over my blog, from day one, and I have noticed some patterns.  I guess I always figured the blog might help someone, somewhere, someday, now I think it is helping me in more ways than one.  Sort of ironic.  I have learned a lot about myself over the last few weeks.  Some more than I cared to know.  Funny how a person can look in the mirror every day and not see their reflection.

At least I am not seeing pink elephants or hearing any voices telling me to go out and vote for Hillary Clinton.  When that day arrives, go ahead and lock me away.  I have hit bottom.

– beau