We woke up this morning to more teddy bears. We couldn’t even open the door. The delivery guy had placed two boxes right in front of the door! Now we have no room left for bears. The living room is full.
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It is raining outside. It appears that it rained a lot last night. There is water standing in the backyard. We need the rain. Not. :) We could use a couple of weeks without rain. It does not appear that is going to happen. A stormy week ahead of us, I am afraid.
I am in a great mood this morning, errr afternoon now. Feel better than I have in awhile. I seem to be cycling in and out between a really down mood and a really up mood. It feels like a game of checkers. Jumping all over the board. I think I will enjoy the good mood though, for now. :) It feels like there are a 1000 volts of electricity running through my body. A bit too high at this point. Not the best feeling. Guess it is better than the down feeling, though.
I NEED to take my third quarter satellite test. I should do that today. I could do that today. I don’t want to do that today, though. lol But I need to. MAYBE I will do that in the next hour or two. Get it out of the way. That leaves Hydro (you know the exciting class about ummm water). Seriously, I never knew one could learn so much about water. I will be glad when the class is over. Sorry to say. It isn’t my cup of tea errr water.
No news on the farm this week. I know everyone is wanting news! Everyone is asking me! I don’t have anything new to share. Tim, the banks Realtor, said that he was embarrassed about the whole subject. He said the bank should have given him the appraisal by now. How do you appraise a flooded house though? I would like to know that. I will be curious to see what price they put on the place. We already have a low offer on the table - that expired. We might need to lower it more, after the flood. lol We shall see.
I will say this - maybe this week I will know something! I have said that every week since Christmas.
- beau
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My friend Kristy, the one who lives in Florida and was attacked by the alligator last year - yeah her, sent me these photographs this morning. I thought they were nice, and deserved to be shared. :) Thanks Kristy. Lucy in her Easter outfit is the first photograph. The second one is a butterfly and flowers.
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Blah. Blah is a good word to describe something. It is a negative word. It means - lousy, crappy, blues, not well. It sums up the last week - maybe the last two weeks. Once again the spiral staircase has found its way under my legs. This time the elevator was too easy. So my mind decided to take the stairs. A much slower, progressive walk towards the insanity of the deep well that it so cheerfully chose to mark as its final destination. Oh, there were stops along the way. Happy moments spent with friends. There was laughter at a few movies and television shows. I always enjoy a good "talk soup" to perk me up. But alas there were those stairs. Downward, downward, and downward. Tonight, as I write this, I have halfway convinced myself that curling up in a ball, in some corner of the apartment, might provide some therapeutic help. Course all of the corners of the apartment are filled with boxes, computer equipment, or teddy bears.
I don’t understand depression. I don’t pretend to understand it. I try to understand it. I read about it online. I read blogs that other people are writing, concerning their experiences. I read information on Zoloft - which is what I have used for two years now - to see how it effects other people with depression. I understood a long time ago that depression doesn’t just go away. It can’t be "cured". One can’t "make themselves" happy by doing "activities". It is something you just have to live with. I should say, that I have had great success with controlling the depressing using Zoloft. Until the last few months I would have sworn by it. Now, lately - I am not sure what has happened. It seems to no longer be effective. The waves of darkness, that sweep over me, seem to be coming more frequently - if not constant. I have tried to control it - mentally. I have tried to ignore the "feelings". I have tried to convince myself that tomorrow will be a brighter day. It is now going on weeks instead of days. So I am beginning to question what is actually happening..
I live in a beautiful world. I am surrounded by beautiful family, amazing friends, and a huge support base. This just goes to show you, that no matter how amazing life is, depression isn’t something that is controlled by your surroundings. It is a part of your mind. A part of you. I have everything in the world that I could possibly ever want, ever need, or ever dream of. Those things, unfortunately, don’t make depression go away.
I finally told a friend a few days ago what was happening. I didn’t want anyone to know. I guess I am concerned that they might think I will relapse or do something stupid. Not that they shouldn’t feel that way after some of my experiences since I was 12 years old. But still, I don’t like telling them. It is hard to talk about. I want to be fixed not broken. That is how I look at it. This is a silly way of thinking though. Cars are broken, people are not. We all have our "issues" that we have to deal with.
Thankfully, I have resisted all temptation to cover up my feelings by using alcohol or other "escapes". In the past that has been an issue, as many of you know. So, at least for the moment, (it is always a daily battle) I am on top of the situation. With that said, what concerns me is the slide downward. At first I thought it would last a few days, then after a week I thought it might finally come to an end, now it seems like the slide is not only continuing but steepening. There are days that I don’t feel like getting out of bed, don’t feel like doing my homework, don’t care about anything. I fight it. But fighting depression doesn’t just magically make it go away.
I am going to see my counselor on Friday. Perhaps she will have some additional thoughts. I have concerns about the original "simple" diagnosis of depression (on the other hand I don’t like labels). Mainly because I don’t believe I have been totally honest with her on everything that has happened. At first I felt bad about that, keeping some information bottled up insdie of myself, but then my friend Doug explained to me that it is a normal reaction. Not talking. You don’t want to tell a stranger everything. You want to maintain some control. You want to keep some of your dignity.
I write these thoughts mainly because I have been going over my blog, from day one, and I have noticed some patterns. I guess I always figured the blog might help someone, somewhere, someday, now I think it is helping me in more ways than one. Sort of ironic. I have learned a lot about myself over the last few weeks. Some more than I cared to know. Funny how a person can look in the mirror every day and not see their reflection.
At least I am not seeing pink elephants or hearing any voices telling me to go out and vote for Hillary Clinton. When that day arrives, go ahead and lock me away. I have hit bottom.
- beau
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Spring. My favorite time of the year. I am always full of energy. A renewal of sorts. The weather warms up. The flowers start to bloom. The trees start to bud. Everything is fresh. Nature seems to sing a new song. Putting winter behind us. Packing away the snowy thoughts, the chilly wind, and the icy streets. I love spring.
It has been a long few days. I can feel the tempo building. I can sense that a wave is approaching. A good wave. The wave that takes us to the next step in all of this.
It seems like it has been forever since we moved out of Ashcreek. It has been about three months ago. Perhaps a bit longer than that. It was a rush move. For those who read the blog, it seemed to all happen in a week or two. I made up my mind and said "let’s do it". Throwing caution to the wind - we moved out without any thoughts to where we were going. I needed a change. I was tired of not seeing the weather, the storm clouds, the lightning in the sky, the snow blowing through the fields, the sunrises, the sunsets. I needed to feel the wind in my hair again. I needed a change. I needed a new view.
Living at Ashcreek was the best. I don’t think our family has EVER had so many get togethers. I don’t think we have had that much fun since we were children. Just being able to have a space to have parties, celebrate holidays, hang out - made it all worthwhile. Hopefully we will be able to have get togethers again, soon. Just need to build a house! The day will come - it is approaching.
But, for now, we wait. I believe the time is near though. I think we are coming to the end of this chapter of the book. I can hear the music playing. I can hear the song in the air. A dream is coming true. A dream for my mother. A dream for me. A dream for my family. It has been an incredible journey to this point. The Christmas Day story is something you might read in a Reader’s Digest Magazine. How do things like that happen? How do we sense something. There is purpose in everything. I believe there is a creator. Something that drives us. Something drove me to go to the farm, early on Christmas Morning. I don’t believe in chance encounters. I do believe in fate. I only have to look back at the last three or four years to know that fate is real. Tangible.
Some things in life can’t be explained. Some things in life don’t need to be explained. Some things in life you just act upon purely by faith.
Waiting…
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Spring.Ah the season has changed, spring has come yet again. Winter’s arms, with its icy grip, releases one last hoorah before melting into the ground —Beau |
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I do not miss the scene. I miss the scene. I am two persons when it comes to that subject. I miss the fantasy world that I once lived in. But yet I know it wasn’t reality. It was a world of drama, of love, of fear. It was tasting the stars while flying through space on a spiraling trip in our own minds. There can never be a yesterday like Dallas or Atlanta. There can be no redo of that path in which we walked and danced. There can only be the memories of the romantic disco balls and flashing lights. The beat of the jungle music pulsing through our bodies on the dance floor. A world of skin and fashion. Those days are gone leaving us open to new adventures. New romance. A new beat to follow off the floor of dancing and into the world of the living.
- some thoughts that I sent to a friend today. A reminder of yesterday and today.
I search for that elusive meaning of life that is like a butterfly in the wind. Trying to catch it with my broken net. Perhaps we will never catch that which is in our dreams our minds. Perhaps it is the attempt to catch the meaning that drives us to search for tomorrow in today. Perhaps it is the attempt that goes unfulfilled that keeps us moving forward. Without it perhaps we would lose the desire to wake.
I know that you are in the field of flowers with your net as well. Like little kids we run and laugh…always one step behind the butterfly as it flutters above our heads. Maybe it isn’t about finding the meaning in all of this. Maybe it is simply the mere desire to explore, to want more, to learn more. Maybe that IS the meaning.
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So I got word today that the appraiser was up at the farm. He was there to let the bank know how much the house was worth. Now keep in mind that we have never been interested in the house. It isn’t worth anything to us. So we have been hoping that lightning would strike it or perhaps some high winds would huff and puff and blow the house down. That never happened.
So while I was taking photographs of the flood two days ago, I decided to check on the house. Well guess what - it flooded. The finished basement was full of water. Several inches deep. I smiled, knowing that this was good news. It would help get the amount being asked for the property lower. We already have a low offer on the place. This will only help us.
Now we are waiting for word. It will take a few days (and it is the holiday weekend) to find out how much the appraiser thinks the property is worth. I am certain that it is worth a lot less today than it was a week ago.
We are one day closer…
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Very sad news out of Poplar Bluff. Looks like one of their worst floods as well. Photograph from foxnews.com
ALL OF SOUTHERN ILLINOIS HAS BEEN DECLARED A DISASTER
From the Paducah Sun
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I am launching a new web-site today! First full day of spring. BLOOM <— (just follow the link to the left)
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Welcome to my journal. I call it a journal because I started this before "blogs" existed. Within this site you will find pages and pages and pages of my journey over the last 10 years. An incredible story of triumph, sadness, happiness, and intense battles. I run several web-sites. Most of them dealing with weather and photography - my passion. You can visit the sites through the links below. If you would like to know more about me then please visit my biography page by clicking Here.
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